If you show me how, then I can do it too!

When did Little Miss O get so smart?!

Seriously, we were playing with her toys and then she caught a glimpse of our Scrabble board game (this was my fave game growing up and it was mine and my Dad's 'thing').

Me: That one's for grown ups darling.
Little Miss O: But if you show me how, then I can do it too!
Me: [puzzled! How could she play scrabble if she can't read?!...or am I restricting her growth here...shouldn't I be nurturing her interests, why was I setting a barrier?!]
Me: Ok then, first of all you put all the letters in the bag, shake them and then take 7 tiles and put them on your rack.

In saying this to her I realised, I have already taught her the words 'tile' and 'rack'. I've never heard her say these before. She then mistakenly counted out 8 tiles.

Me: Ok sweetie, count them again, that's 8 tiles you have there. If you put one tile back in the bag then you'll have 7 which is the right number"
[Ummm is this her first lesson in subtraction; I hated maths at school, but she was loving 'playing scrabble' this way!]

We then turned all the tiles up the right way - you know with the point number in the bottom corner.
[Ummm, is this not an easy way to get her to recognise letters the correct way up?!]

Then we started looking for the letters of her name (which she knows) and spelling all of her names out on the scrabble board.

Little Miss O was actually loving it! She felt like she was 'playing' the game as she was putting pieces on the board. I asked her what some of the letters were...and not only did she know them but she told me some names that begin with that letter!

"that's 'T' that sounds like 'Tuh' for Thomas...that's 'curly 'C' that sound like 'Cuh' for Catherine..!"

Ummmm... seriously! When did my child get so smart?! She's 3 and a half and every day I ask what she did at nursery and she tells me 'I played'. She gives me this look as if to say 'what do you think I was doing Mummy, working?!'.. I know she like a sponge at the moment and she's taking it all in. It's just that, at the moment, it seems so very blatant lately that she is learning something in everything she does

...how dare I refuse to nurture her interest in words and reading (well 'playing' to her) by saying 'scrabble is for grown ups'! eish! I'm the first to encourage her to do things that I think she is physically capable of - it was my idea to take her ice-skating (at age tiny!), help her collect 'nature' from a lake, but when it comes to mental capabilities, I think I underestimate just how far she can go. My bad?!

Once again, Little Miss O has taught me something! There is an opportunity for her to learn in everything she does and without her even realising. Score! I suppose this is my job. I actually can't wait for the rest of the things she'll end up teaching me in the future!

If you have little one's how far do you let them do 'grown up' things?

Mrs O
x

40 days of being thankful...

Yesterday at church, I was totally inspired and motivated. I loved every minute of the three hours... to be honest, I think three hours was a bit much for Mr O - but me - I was in my element... 


We had about an hour of pure singing and worship, which really just lifted my spirit and properly got me warmed up for connecting with God and my fellow-believers. I was ready to receive the message and my heart was wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide open - it really was great. 


The message from our Pastor was 'be positive'... I know its a simple message really, but when its delivered with power and belief, you actually believe it and take it as Gospel... Our Pastor explained to us that can't just get up one day and win a 400-metre race - you have to train - and train hard! I felt quite smug at this point because I definitely fall into the 'work hard...' camp! He explained that if you want to succeed, you have to arrive early and leave late - basically, you have to put the effort in. A good starting point for this is to have a plan A. Sure, Plan A might fail (see many many previous posts from me for evidence), but, if Plan A fails, there is always Plan B... 


if Plan B fails, then there is always Plan C. If that fails, this doesn't make it time to fall to the ground in a heap (our Pastor demonstrated this!), wailing that the Lord has forsaken you.. .heck no he hasn't, he gave us the whole frigging alphabet (OK, our Pastor didn't say 'frigging'!)... we have all the letters up until 'Z'; failing Plan Z, we can create Plan double A! Now, in fairness, if I reached the point where Plan C failed, I'd probably develop a new Plan and call it Plan A2, for no other reason than because I have an attitude about me which screams  'I refuse to accept defeat'.... It's not necessarily a healthy attitude, but we can deal with that in another post! : )


So, anyhow, our Pastor went on to tell us how in life, the negative things seem to jump out at us at every turn. We don't even try to find negative things, they're just there, annoyingly surfacing left right and centre.... but positive things, well sometimes we have to rack our brains to think of them. The problem with negativity is that is stifles creativity and innovation. This is so true. So true, I feel that I should say it again:


Negativity stifles creativity and innovation.


This one sentence screamed out at me louder than anything else our Pastor said yesterday. It got me because I often say 'my creativity has been stifled by academia'... I wonder now though, has my creativity been stifled by my negativity. Although, I don't regard myself as negative, I (like everyone) have my moments... today, I started thinking, what if I spent more time thinking about the positive things and actually cancelling out negative things in my life. Seriously. What if for every negative thought/action, I cancelled it with a positive?! Does it work like that? Do thoughts and actions work like that? I don't know...but I wanna find out... it can't hurt, right?


So, back to the point of my post... each day I plan to consciously think of positive things in my life. My blog is called 'planning, praying, playing', so it wouldn't be fun for me unless I zapped the fun out of it by creating 'rules' and a plan!!).. So, my rules are:


1) I can't repeat the same positive thing on more than one day


2) It has to be something that I properly, truly and consciously feel thankful for or positive about on that day


3) I have to do this for at least 40 days. Why 40, well Goliath came for 40 days before David managed to kill him... Jesus fasted for 40 days....Moses was on the mountain with God for 40 days and Noah waited 40 days before opening the window of his ark... sure the numbers 3,  and 12 are also significant, but 40 just seems like it will require more effort... surely, the more I put into this little task of mine, the more I get out of it.


So, with that - my first thing to be positive and thankful about is:


DAY ONE
Today, I received a book sent to our daughter by a loving friend of ours. Less than a week ago, said friend and I spoke on the phone (the first time in a while) and I told her about how Little Miss O thinks that every birthday is her birthday. This reminded her of a book that she read as a child 'Too much Birthday'. We laughed and carried on our conversation. Today, we got back from work and found this book lying on the doormat. Said friend had ordered the book for Little Miss O and had it delivered straight from Amazon. It only occurred to me that said friend had texted me a few days ago to 'confirm' my address so that she could update her address book. So, in short, I am thankful for my dear friend 'M.D' : ) She is from India, Hong Kong and now Cardiff.. we met in the North East of England and for her, I am truly thankful. In her presence, I feel positive and every time we speak, she brightens my mood. I feel that 'M.D' is very worthy of being my reason to feel thankful and positive today... thank you M.D - here's sending much love, sunshine and positivity your way sweets!!!!


Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmwah!


Sunshine, light and positivity - for 40 days (and maybe for always...let's see how this goes...)


Mrs O
x

It's been a while...

... I got busy guys, with the non-cyber world... I lost my blogging mojo. Things have been happening in my life that I wasn't sure I wanted to share on this here space on the web. Whilst everything on here is 'me', I would never put my entire 'self' out there for others to view. Some things are private, right? Also, once I I wasn't sure why I blogged. I knew why I started blogging in the first place, but why I continued to blog, I just don't know. Sure, I liked blogging, sure comments are good to hear...but 'why did I keep blog'.

You see, I've always written, always kept a diary, always shared aspects on my life with people...so blogging was probably a natural 21st century progression for me. But blogging is different. Sometimes people actually read what I write and sometimes I write with the intention of the content being read e.g. when offering tips to other etc. I realised that I was writing for an 'audience'...for people who know me personally initially. Blogging was a way to keep my family and friends updated on the latest happenings, because, surprise surprise, I was too busy to talk to all of them (well, I guess I should 'you') and sometimes repeating the same thing gets a bit tedious - no matter how much you love the person you're talking to!

Anyhow, I'm just gonna spend some more time thinking about why I blog, what I blog about and why I blog about it...

So, if any of the 38 followers, couple of hundred facebook pals, non-facebook friends and family, random colleagues and random passers by are still receiving blog updates.. hey and thanks for sticking with me..

I'll def be sharing some of the stuff I've experienced over the past month or so - before I forget it...

Until next time..

Mrs O
x

Goodbye PhD, Hello Life

... It's funny but now that i've received my doctorate, I feel like I, we even, can carry on with the rest of our lives. There are SO many things that I'd like to do or atleast try that I've wanted to do or at least try for a while...but I just haven't had the time or energy...until now. Woo hoo, I feel so ALIVE its a bit frightening! : )

I know some people write a 'bucket list' of things they want to do before they're 30 or before they have a baby etc....but my list has no time limits... I initially wrote a little wishlist for this year, but I've added to it now... From time to time, as I achieve certain goals, I'll update my list; I may even remove things from my list if I change my mind...

So, in no particular order, here are some things that I think I would like to do...at some point...

Get closer to God and make being Christ-like part of my to-do list every day without exception!

Overcome my fear of dogs

Spend more quality time with Little Miss O

Buy a brand new car (yet to be specified) and be the first to drive it away from the showroom (yes I know it'll depreciate as soon as I leave, but I don't care - its just one of the things that I'd really like to do)

Learn how to cook more African dishes

Generally expand my repertoire of cooking and become a comfortable and able hostess

Learn more about holistic therapies and/or mixology

Relearn the guitar (I didn't get very far, but I still remember the basics)

Be the best Mummy I know how to be

Be the best Wife I know how to be

Learn to play the piano

Adopt an family of orphans

Keep more in touch with the 'aunties'! Love you!!!

Accompany someone during childbirth (I know its an odd one, but its just something I'd like to do - maybe I could be a doula)

Found a 'from domestic premises' nursery (or something similar)

Spend more girly days with just my Mum and sisters

Go on holiday/mini-moon with (just) Mr O at least once a year

Visit Ghana again

Live in Ghana and/Sierra Leone for a while

Get back into my anthropology

Have at least tri-annual 'Jazz days' with my favourite most girlies

Learn how to use all the functions on my camera - then upgrade it to one with multiple lenses!

Write a book - exact topic tbc

Sleep more (laughable when you see the size of my list, eh!)

Open a charity shop abroad

Visit Sierra Leone again

Build a house in Sierra Leone and Ghana

Be invited onto Oprah(!)

Visit other African countries

Learn to speak French

Understand Ga and Twi enough to fully follow conversations without relying on the situation to guide me

Be invited to speak at a conference in a far-away land.

Travel to Asia - India, Thailand and Japan to be specific

Teach Little Miss O how to understand Krio, Ga and Twi (poor girl!)

.... and the list goes on!

What's the one thing that you always wanted to do?

Mrs O
x

Dr Mrs O: 'We' got my PhD!

So, a week ago or so, I was awarded my PhD. I am officially now a Doctor of Philosophy. I knew four weeks beforehand that it was on its way. I was putting the final touches to my thesis - but now its official....

I'm Dr Mrs O...

That really is my official title now - Dr Mrs. As I sit here this evening, laptop on lap, my new title could not feel any more appropriate! I have sat down a few times in the last week to write this post - but its been SO hard. This PhD has been such an emotional journey - a lot of major things have happened in my life - in my families life. Oh goodness, I'm getting choked up again! Eugh!

Anyway, like I say, it's been emotional. The reason I really wanted to write something here about getting my doctorate is because writing on here has helped me get it - especially when last year I had a crazy email response to a post I sat and wrote through tears. Heck - maybe emotion is good after all! :  )

I'm pleased that I decided to call this post by new title - Dr Mrs O, because to call this PhD mine, is totally unjust. 'My' success, this doctorate - well, it's anything but mine alone.

I'm totally choked as I type, 'cos I feel like a fraud. Fine, I wrote the PhD, fine the information is not falsified, but the thesis itself has my name on it.  I know deep down that there should be two names on it, one name is missing.

This PhD really belongs to my now-Husband. Mr O. I say now-Husband because when I started my PhD, he wasn't my 'Husband'. He was my 'boyfriend' - who lived at the time over 100 miles away. This PhD has seen us living in 6 different places between us and in 4 different cities. Even geographically, its been hectic!

I can honestly say that without my darling Husband's support and encouragement, there really is no way I could have made it through. FACT! There really just is NO WAY and I have to give a huge shout out to J.C. for bringing him into my life. Such a blessing in disguise. Mr O has been there - through thick and thin, at 2am, at 4am and again at 7am - with coffee! He has put up with my moods, my depression when a chapter of my thesis was due but I was suffering writers block, an untidy house when I'd leave said coffee cups lying around (day -after - day). He's put up with eating take-aways (day-after-day) when neither of us had time to cook; he's pretty much took sole care of Little Miss O when I was really snowed under. And that's all at the end of the PhD - when the good Lord knows that if I was sick of hearing about my PhD, so was he! Even in the early days, he was supportive. I remember one particular pub-lunch we had when he visited for the weekend and I said to him

'I'm not sure I'm clever enough to do this PhD, maybe I should just quit - I've never actually been that clever, I just work damn hard - I'm not sure I can be bothered again?!'

My Mr O was there, just like the other Mr O (Barack Obama, that is). I remember him telling me

'Yes we can!'

 - and I believed him.

My Mr O was there to wipes my tears of frustration (on innumerable occasions!), to hold me when I couldn't even speak from over-tiredness in the early hours of the morning. He was there to select and buy me a new laptop when mine was stolen just weeks before submitting my thesis.

Every step of the way. He has been there. EVERY. STEP. OF. THE. WAY!

When we were pregnant with Little Miss O, our antenatal teacher (a doula and mother of 4!) told us that being a birth partner is SO much harder than giving birth. She explained that when you're in labour - there is so much emotion and so many hormones involved that you're delirious and not fully aware of things. She said that when you're a birth partner - everything is very real. All actions are intensified, every contraction amplified and every ounce of tiredness exaggerated. I think it's the same for PhD partners. I honestly think that this entire process has been worse for my Mr O than it has been for me. Seriously - I mean that. Like I say, I experienced all the emotion - but he had to manage  it when at times I couldn't and he had to live with it, well with me!

Before you start feeling too sorry for my Mr O, you should know that he bought himself a shiny new car last week in recognition of his success! And he deserves it!  I'm still selecting my handbag! : )

So, to my Mr O:

Baby, I've said it before, and I'll say it again - you've been my rock. Thank you. You were right, we did it! So, in future, when I write my official name as 'Dr Mrs O', I'm going to remember that its a product of our marriage, I'm going to remember our struggle. The Bible says love does not keep a record of 'wrongs', but luckily I've not read yet that love doesn't keep a record of 'rights'.

You helping me with this PhD is one 'right' that is going to save you on many many occasions to come and one that I just will never forget - 'cos I'll see a reminder of what we have achieved in black and white every single day!

Mr O, you're my rock and you rock! Fine, I know you'll call it a 'cheesy lyric', but who cares - I'm Dr Mrs O!

We did it!

x

You can't live abroad forever... or can you?

or can you? Can you live abroad forever? Can you make another country your 'home'? Will it ever feel the same?


Somebody said this to me whilst in Ghana and it really got me thinking...? Moving to Ghana is something that Mr O and I have discussed before but since visiting Ghana together is a hot topic for conversation in our house. Ghana, from what I saw in just 10 days is one different place. The pace is slower, certain issues are not taken seriously and others are... I mean malaria was considered to be 'like the common cold'! Really? I don't think I could ever swing to that way of thinking? I am still afraid of mosquitoes and I imagine that I always will be If you wanna talk about respect on the other hand - this is a HUGE issue!


But health aside, I am facing the serious prospect of at least seeing how we like living in Ghana...at least for a little while, at most forever? But can I live abroad forever? Maybe I will love it, maybe I wont... what I do know though, is that to my Husband, Ghana and Ghana alone is home...where his heart is. It's home. For me on the other hand, the UK is home. This is where I feel comfortable...this is where I know how things work....this is where my heart is - or is it? When I was in Ghana, I realised just how very 'British' I am - despite looking like everyone else there (in Ghana I mean)... I was born and raised here in the UK and I am very much an Afro-British woman....and quite comfortable with this. It's just who I am. I drink cows milk in my coffee and not UHT or carnation milk! I eat bagels and yoghurt for breakfast and not waakye, spaghetti and a boiled egg! Though, I have to admit that by day two of our trip, I laughed at the idea of eating cereal for breakfast and said 'I'd prefer the kenke, tilapia and shito, please!'


So, when I call myself (if forced to label myself), Afro-British - that really is who I am. But what will Little Miss O describe herself as? Will she say she's Ghanaian? British? Sierra Leonean even? To me, it doesn't really matter what we call ourselves, but it does matter what we feel we are and where we feel we belong...where we're most comfortable...because when you don't feel comfortable and when you don't feel you belong - it can be hard.


So, back to my point  'you can't live abroad forever...' Or can you?

If Mr O can't live here forever and I can't live in Ghana forever, will we be shuttling back and forth? That is funnilty enough what I always thought I would end up doing. I just always had this feeling that I would have two places that I'd call home and would flit between them. But this is before I grew up, realised that I would have to work and not just be a lady of leisure and no responsibility...so I studied antrhopology. I figured I could just do health projects in my 'second' home, but be 'based' in the UK. But like I say, then I grew up some more, and I became a Mum and now we are considering where to continue raising our child(ren)...

Now, I am seriously thinking about this issue of living abroad... to move, or not to move, when and how... I guess this is something to add to our 5 year plan...


'can we live abroad? and for how long? Can either of us live abroad forver?'


Either way, Mr O will reach a mutual decision - it's something we've spoken about before, in fact well before we got married - so neither of us were under any illusions, but now, having travelled to Ghana, it just feels a lot more real...


What are your experiences of living away from home? Regardless of whether home is another town or country - how does it feel to live away from home...?

 Mrs O
x

The Ghanaian Working Mum - through my eyes...

On cruising the warm streets of Accra in our air conditioned, less than a year old car, I was extremely comfortable and could have been anywhere in the world. So, I decided to sit back and watch. I was watching EVERYTHING, like a child..asking questions, trying to understand...essentially being an undercover, unpaid, anthropologist... I was observing.


One thing that struck me was the two kinds of working Mum that I observed. They were worlds apart but living right next to one another...


The majority of working Mums that I noticed were selling various goods by the roadside or in markets. They carried on their heads everything from bags of water and meat pies, to socks and wooden artefacts. They worked enthusiastically under the scorching midday sun, often near another working Mum, chatting and laughing as they tried to sell their items. 


How did I know they were working Mums? 


It was easy, they had their kids strapped to their backs, like this:

Fine, these women may have been looking after other people's babies, but that would be a lot of childminders carrying kids on their backs. From a few women that I spoke to, these little kids were clearly their own. I had warm memories when I saw these woman, and reminisced about 'carrying' my dolls on my back as a young child. I used to play 'African girl' and carry a laundry basket with a few socks in it on top of my head. I'd use a scarf to tie the dolls to my back and would parade up and down the house. This was me playing 'house' I guess. It was so humbling to see grown women doing the same - except they weren't playing.


At one point, I saw a woman with a HUGE bowl on her head, and a little girl on her back. She also had 2 other smalls child walking with her. She saw the tro-tro (like a bus - except you really wouldn't want to ride it) and started to run - with the bowl balanced on her head and the little girl slipping from her back. I watched eagerly, just waiting to see if she'd catch the tro-tro, and how she'd hustle 3 kids onto what was already a jam packed ride. 


She caught the tro-tro, she caught the little girl before she slipped, swung her onto the ground, handed the bowl from her head to the 'mate' (that's like the conductor) and she jumped onto the tro-tro. All three of the kids followed her. 


I wondered if she was going home, or to another spot to sell or what. Like I said, I was very curious about everything I saw... : ) I wondered if what I saw was a typical occurrence? Was it an unusual thing that I saw?


Either way, I was impressed. I made a little note of the incident (the bones for this post) and I plan to keep a mental note of this, so that on days when I find being a working Mum difficult, I can remind myself that if that lady and her 3 kids could catch the tro-tro, I sure can meet the challenges that I faced too.


So what about the other type of working Mum?


The other type was the high-society working Mum, who doesn't need to bathe her child if she doesn't want to (there is home-help for this). This working Mum doesn't have to cook, clean or drive their child to nursery (again, there is home-help for this). The only time that this kind of Mum has to spend with her child is 'quality time' - seeing sites, going on trips, playing etc. All the home-related tasks are taken care of for her. All her energy goes into working and whatever spark of energy is left is for playing with her child - she doesn't have to split her non-working time between her child and chores.  


I was as shocked by this experience as I was the last one... of course there are times when I would LOVE home-help! I mean, I would LOVE to have someone else plan meals and cook, so that when I get home from work, I can devote all my time to just playing with Little Miss O....I would love it if I could go to bed and the plates wash themselves...if the clothes would wash themselves. Now, call me selfish but I wouldn't want to share so much of my child with someone else. I want to be the one to kiss the boo boos, I want to be the one to read bedtime stories. In fact Mr O and I fight over who gets to collect Little Miss O from nursery and see her big grin when we arrive. These things I love.


Seeing these two completely contrasting versions of 'working motherhood' was just another example of how life can be sooooo different for people, so different for women, living just metres from one another...


Mrs O
x

Akwaaba - a warm welcome from Ghana

...whenever I meet anyone who happens to have met a Ghanaian before, the first thing they tell me is how welcoming, warm and friendly their friend/cousin/colleague is. More or less, this has also been my experience so far... 


When we arrived at the airport, just after collecting our baggage (which is a story on its own!), we were met with the following sign:

I saw the sign, sniggered and took out my camera.  Beside it, stood a policeman who said 'do you like it?' I wasn't really sure if I should say yes or no - I mean he looked very serious! I chose 'yes' and then he smiled...and I scurried on my way! It was the start of an extremely interesting trip - full of irony, laughter and unexpected surprises along the way. 


It's been SUCH an amazing experience and I'm gonna write some posts about it, before the details get lost somewhere in the depths of my memory.


Ghana is one different place...I can't wait to go back - soon!


Mrs O
x

Ghana 2011

Yesterday, we arrived back from my first time in Ghana...WHAT an experience....SO many stories, SO many laughs...SO much learnt, SO much to miss and SO much to tell .... now, to find the time to share! : )

Mrs O

Things to consider BEFORE starting a family (Part 2 - SAHM-ness)

Part Two of my mini-feature on 'things to consider BEFORE starting a family'... 

- work/life balance... do you or your partner work away from home a lot? If you do, is that something you would like to continue once you become parents? If not, what can you do to make plans for changing it...?

- can you afford the lifestyle that you want to have as a ‘yummy mummy’ (I’m assuming here that no-one intends to become a ‘frumpy mummy’)...

If you want to be a SAHM ('stay at home Mum' to the uninitiated) who drinks coffee, eats muffins and arranges craft sessions for your kiddies, do you have enough savings to be one income down? For how long? If the answer is no/not sure, is your partner happy to work enough hours to pay for your coffee, muffins and craft materials and other really exciting things that you get to do when you're a SAHM?!  Are you happy to see your partner less so that he can pay for your bits and pieces? I guess this is related to finances and definitely something to think about BEFOREhand. I think that checking out your company's and country's rules for maternity pay/leave is a useful thing to do. Better to know in advance right, and then you can prepare for it a bit... 

- are you ready to commit to being a SAHM? Just about everyone I know who doesn't have kids tells me that they want to be a SAHM. They say they want to spend as much time as possible enjoying their kid's formative years. I would have told you exactly the same thing 4 years ago. Speaking as a Mum, its  (much) harder to stay home all day every day than being at work - and I'm yet to meet a Mum - SAHM or working mum who disagrees with me. Being a SAHM means being a mum, nanny, wife, daycarer, cleaner, cooker - all in one, 24/7. If you're not 100% sure that being a SAHM is for you then consider ways to keep your foot in the employment door should you decide to work (dare I say it) 'part time' or even return to work 'full-time' (blasphemy!). keep your skills up-to-date, keep in contact with your clients, visit work, know what is going on..so that if you decide you do want to go back at some point, you still have a 'place'...

I think that's all for now, but of course, as I live and learn, I will add to these musings.

I'd love to know what others' experiences of being a SAHM are, just in case next time around I decide to do just that...!

Mrs O

x

Things to consider BEFORE starting a family (Part 1 - Proximity to your beloved Family)

When a dear friend, Mrs J, asked:

'when you had your first child how did it affect you financially? Were you ready?' 

I sniggered to myself and thought ‘how long have you got?!’  

The way I see it, you will always figure out a way to house, feed and clothe your child, but that's just the bare bones of parenting. The issue of being 'ready' is so much bigger than money. Of course she knows this, but I just had to break it down for her..and where better than here...my little space on the web?

Whilst I don't believe that there is a ‘right’ time to start a family, I do think that when you become a parent you learn to take things in your stride. God wouldn’t have it any other way.

Now that my disclaimer is out of the way, I can say that I feel that we, as grown folk, have got to have some sort of plans in place. Sure, our 'plans' may not be transformed into reality (I can testify to that!), but 'plans' help to stabilise the journey, and make us feel less anxious about what is a major series of life and lifestyle changes - parenthood.

Goodness - that is one heck of an intro. I hope you're still with me Mrs J! 

Mr O and I discussed this post together and our first thing to consider is proximity to family and core support network.

Did you grow up close to your aunts, uncles, cousins? Would you want your child to have a similar or different experience of family life? How important do you think your extended family will be in your life once you have a baby(ies)? Are they accessible when you need them? If not, are you prepared for a simple night at the cinema to cost £40 upwards!?! 

[3hr babysitter (£15) + movie tickets (£15) + popcorn/other overpriced movie snacks (£10) = £40]

We're lucky that we have a few members of my extended family nearby but the majority of our family live hundreds of miles away and we really do notice the distance of our family life. Let's face it, there are just some things that you'd only trust/want/ask your sibling/parents/bestest friend to do...  Also, even though we're lucky to have a few members of 'my' family around, we don't have a lot of 'Mr O's' family around - and that is something to consider. There will be 4 parts to your family...do you want to be able to see them all?

I feel this especially important when you're in a mixed culture relationship - if you want your kids to experience all sides of their culture(s)/language(s) etc, they're gonna need to be hearing it on the regular.  Just something to think about - not anything to freak out about!

I'm hoping that our little run-through of 'things to consider' isn't looking too bleak.. but I just found myself on a roll... and these are just things that I wish someone had told me 3 -4 years ago/ thing I wish I had taken seriously...and clearly, this is something that Mr O and I talk about a lot. So, simply talking about this post and me writing about this topic is helping us to further realign our thoughts and set out our priorities... so thanks for reading!

Still to come...

- Work/life balance!

- The cost of being a Yummy-Mummy! 

- The commitment of being a SAHM?  

- Working Mum - doe it mean what you think it means? 

- The cost of daycare! 

- Ideal sibling age gaps?!!! 

In the meantime, how close (distance) are you to your family and support network? How does it affect you and your household?

Mrs O

x

It's a new day...

Happy new year to you all!

Here's wishing that 2011 is the happiest, healthiest, and most successful year yet. As always, may we continue to have the serenity to accept the things we cant change, the courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference : ) Last year was somewhat of an emotional/spiritual rollercoaster for me- getting married (woop woop), finishing my PhD, starting a new job, having to redo part of my thesis, trying to find ways to balance motherhood with wifeyhood, studying and career.

Basically, I had a eureka moment and decided that this whole 'pursuit of perfection' is not something that I wanted to keep doing- so I haven't done! ; )p I also really struggled with surrendering my life to Christ and submitting to his word and Mr O's. I'm a control freak by nature, so letting go was tough! All in all, it was a positive year. I learned a lot about myself and am definitely in a good place today! : ) I have let go and am so much better off for it! Thanks be to God!

I have a great feeling about 2011, so look forward to seeing the blessings be showered upon us all xxx lots of love, hugs and light - Mr n Mrs n Little Miss O - est 02/01/10 : ) xxxx

Hallelujah!

Wow - the past 12 hours have been go-go-go!

Firstly, work was just a comedy of terribly unfunny errors, then baby girl started wheezing at nursery, we collected her and headed straight for A&E, it appears she may have asthma! : (

Baby girl stayed home with Daddy and I had to shoot back to work (gotta love a Daddy that steps up to the plate!). I was totally worried about Little Miss O (who wouldn't be) but she was home, playing with Mr O, having fun and not really understanding what that prescription on the kitchen counter meant. Mr O convinced me that this little hiccup gave them an extra half-day of daddy-daughter bonding time, and that if I stayed I would be depriving him of it!

Hmmm, so I went back to work. I did that 'compartmentalising' thing..... you know that thing you do when you feel you just HAVE to get something done, despite a gazillion other things going on at the same time....

...anyway, so I managed to get some stuff sorted at work... headed out of work, lost my swipe-card, found my swipe-card, grabbed a packet of crisps for emergency energy, ran for the bus (I wouldn't never usually, but I wanted to be there to put Little Miss O to bed), found a spare seat and started proof-reading chapter 6 of my 10 chapter thesis (whilst eating hula hoops!)...got off the bus...popped into tesco for provisions requested by Mr O - meanwhile, filling my sister and Mum in on the days hectic events

I walked the 10 minute walk from the tesco to our home, readjusting my handbag, shopping bags, file and phone as I went! I got home.... (yey!) played with and read to Little Miss O, got her ready for bed and stayed with her till she fell asleep....returned downstairs to Mr O with a headache(! - now it was his turn to need me!), searched for paracetamol, found paracetamol, returned to lounge, Mr O asleep!. So, I dried the laundry that I put in this morning before work! inhaled my dinner (lovingly prepared by Mr and Little Miss O during daddy-daughter bonding time, watched a TV programme about a Nigerian family, sent emails to the team for tomorrow (in anticipation that I will oversleep!), finished proof-reading chapter 6, checked my blogger account...started writing this post after realising that this has been one he$% of a day!

I kind of like recording days like this - because it helps me to appreciate the straight-forward and uneventful days! If ever there was a day that I was SURE that the big JC carried me through - it is today! By reciting the serenity prayer and by JC putting the right people in the right place, at the right time - all has ended well with the day.

Hallelujah!

Mrs O
x

Serenity Prayer

I'm sure we've all heard the short version of the serenity prayer in some form or other...

This is the prayer that I recite to myself sometimes...usually when I am scared, disappointed or facing some sort of life challenge. But this week, I am saying it, all day and every single day! This is the week that I plan to resubmit my thesis! Eeeek! As the prayer goes... 

God, grant me the...

Serenity to accept things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can, and the

Wisdom to know the difference

Patience for the things that take time

Appreciation for all that I have, and

Tolerance for those with different struggles

Freedom to live beyond the limitations of my past ways, the

Ability to feel your love for me and my love for others and the

Strength to get up and try again even when I feel it is hopeless.

I just find this such an amazing piece to keep in my head and it has comforted many people when I've shared it with them too.

Have a lovely weekend!

Mrs O

x

Career vs. Motherhood vs Marriage minus the Mulberry!

'a woman can be married, with children and have a career, but she can only do two out of the three well'.


Years ago, I didn't do much with this info. but I sure did remember it. Now that I'm a married mother, who has a career, I see a lot of truth in that statement. Not that I agree with it, but I can totally understand it better now. 
I was reminded of this idea this week. I met a couple of mums at a work related training course. One of the ladies (in her 40s, with 2 boys) confessed that she feels like she is juggling all the balls in the air and that she's scared that they're going to come crashing down all around her.                
                                                                  

She explained to us 'younger mums' that she is tired of trying so hard. Ouch! I completely empathised with her. There have certainly been times where I have felt that way. But this woman, on first impressions made me think 'wow, check her out with her mahoosive mulberry bag - love her!' (I know it was real as I could smell the cow as soon as she walked into the room!). This woman seemed so poised, so well put-together, so in control - but through the course of the day, I realised that she too was winging it, day by day (and she wasn't happy about it!). I should have known better really, after all, I used to be her, minus the Mulberry! A year later, I feel like a completely different person, still winging it - but now I'm happy to be winging it! : ) It is so much easier!

Whilst I still know what my priorities are, I am determined to be a good wife, a good mother and have a fulfilling career! Call me super-woman, or call me crazy but I honestly think I am pulling it off. I think anyone can. The secret lies in having your own definitions of what a 'good' mother is, what a 'good' wife is and what it means to have a 'good' career. My success in this 'happy to wing it' attitude has come from doing things my own way and not feeling the need to keep up with the Jones', the yummiest mummy at daycare or the person who works every waking hour of the day. 

Having my own definitions and raising my own tolerance for imperfection has helped me to beyond measure! I feel like I should write a book on it! Seriously, I am so less frazzled than I was a year ago - and whenever I hear another Mum say that its all getting too much, I just want to shake them (then cuddle them) and show them a technique that may just work. Heck, it could work for anyone who feels like they're juggling too much - Mummy or not, woman or not....


Reminding myself that I don't have to be perfect all day, every day is something that I have consciously  had to do this year and slowly but surely, I'm internalising it. And guess what (?) - it feels AMAZING! Mr O is happy, Little Miss O is happy and work-wise, things are going well... I'm very nearly done with my PhD corrections..woo hoo, it's happy days!!!


Of course, Mr O's fabulousness contributes to my being able to juggle these things...but this week, I feel like I owe myself a special shout-out (big-headed, I know, but sometimes you just gotta toot your own horn!).

In the past week, I have successfully balanced bible study time (thanks to my trusty iphone), work, a training course, a sick kid, a sick husband, a teleconference whilst on my own sick day, cooked 5 dinners, did two major house clean ups, hopped on and off 4 buses, (finally) named my theoretical model (phd stuff), submitted a revised chapter of my phd, obtained a CRB disclosure (woo hoo!), had a catch up with a friend, had a girly night out, laughed at the apprentice and ugly betty and now I've found a few minutes to update this here blog!

I feel like I've achieved a lot this week (thanks to JC) and I am one happy bunny! So, toot toot and yey for me! 


Have a great weekend!
Mrs O

x

My life is like a movie...

So, I'm still on my mission to (seriously) surrender EVERYTHING to God. Having just watched Sex and the City2 (I know, I know - I’m late!), I realised that I’m kind of like Carrie - kind of! My life is just one movie scene after the other!

You see, Carrie plays the starring role in SATC, but really her character is just a small part of something bigger.

In likening myself to Carrie, I considered that actually, Ms Bradshaw Mrs Preston, didn’t write SATC – Candace Bushell and Michael Patrick King did. Sarah Jessica Parker didn’t make Carrie’s character up, Candace did! Carrie didn’t even film it – someone else did!


Carrie is just in the middle of it all. Carrie isn’t even the only person in the movie….what about all the other strategic characters….? They’re important too right? Without them, who would Carrie lunch with? Who would she have fun with? Who would she cry to? Without the other characters, the movie would just be Carrie – talking to her laptop. So, like Carrie in SATC – in my movie life, I’m supported by a fantastic ‘cast’ – of friends, family and random strangers who seem to say or do the right thing at the right time!


Like Carrie…I’m not the only one here (duh!) I didn’t make myself and I didn’t write my life so far…and actually, I’m not really directing the future either… Sure every now and again, I’m afforded some leeway to improvise, to make it up on the spot, to do what I want to do BUT when it boils down to it, I simply am not running this show – God is.


Not the most profound analogy…but it works for me.

So now all I need is a set of practical tips for remembering that I am just Mrs O and that I am not the director! It’s such an easy thing to say, but how do you actually do that?!






Mrs O
x

Everybody wants to be my Uncle: Failure (?) no.2...reflections...

Today, I had my PhD viva - I didn't get a definite 'pass' - OUCH!

3 and a half years of research, only to be asked 'what exactly is your scientific contribution to knowledge?'.... hmmm.... it was like taking a bullet to the heart. I can still feel the burn hours later...

I defended my thesis and I was able to convince my examiners of my knowledge, of my contribution, of the fact that I hadn't wasted 3 and half years of my life and that I wasn't wasting their time at that very moment. The result was basically that my work was fantastic (toot toot), my understanding was brilliant - BUT (and it's a big BUT), my actual thesis did not demonstrate my level of understanding - apparently, I had 'undersold' my work... the irony!

Let me explain something, I am no quitter and am certainly not 'used' to dealing with failure. I have always been a borderline A/B student. I have mostly been able to tip the scale over and had pretty much secured a title as a straight A student - until today. The first thing that I ever (and I mean EVER) failed was my first driving test (I also failed my second driving test - but that's another story for another day).

So, what do you do when you feel a failure?

Do you cry? Well in this case - yes I cried (and yes, I'm not ashamed to admit to cyberspace that I cried during the actual viva!!!) - why? I'd been given an opportunity to make my write up even better? I'd been given more time to 'fix' my thesis. It was like a 'get out of jail free' card. Surely I should've been overjoyed?! Ummm - NO!  I was distraught, and I cried. I cried because I am not accustomed to disappointment. I don't 'do' disappointing people - I am the 'Golden Child' of my family, one uncle when describing me to a much loved cousin said:

'everyone wants to be her friend; everybody wants to be her boss; everybody wants to be her Uncle!'

Hilarious statement if ever I heard one! Aside from family relations, I am the superwoman amongst my friends, the 'go to person' at work. It gets to a point when people say such nice things to you, that you actually believe them! Or do you? I became a victim of my own hype?! Yet when it came to 'hyping' myself up in my thesis, I had undersold myself! sigh....goshdarnitdammit!

Alas, I am invincible!

Despite my shock and disappointment, I am pleased to have been stopped in my tracks. To be forced to re-evaluate, not my thesis per se - but re-evaluate who the h*ck is in control here? For the last 2 weeks, I had been feeling really calm about my viva, in fact, worryingly so. I almost felt as though it was all out of my hands...that it was beyond my control...so instead of re-reading my thesis, I was 'thinking' about it. But, yesterday, I lapsed, I stopped thinking and started reading - big mistake! 'Reading' fooled me into thinking that I was in control...that I was the one who would determine my viva success (or non-success as it turns out!). I thought that if I read enough then I could make sure that I would pass. Of course, whilst reading, I realised that I had not read every single document ever written by any person in the world, and naturally, I started to panic - the viva palpitations had begun... (see Sunday's facebook update!)...

Luckily, in time for my viva, I got a grip and remembered, that having prayed for guidance - it was time to surrender the viva - to God.

As if by magic, the control has been snatched from my hands...(as if I had it anyway!) and I was forced to see that 'this is God's game..not yours'. And you know what, I am so very thankful for this lesson.

The thing that saved me in this viva, was all the stuff that I had thought about and not any of the stuff that I had read about. God saved me. I think that in future, I am going to wholeheartedly and consciously surrender everything to God. Not just say it, but actually do it..and I don't mean that kind of pretending that people do and then go on stressing about things anyway...  I mean really surrendering things...and by 'things', I mean EVERYTHING.

So, everybody apparently wants to be my uncle (LOL), but the truth is, I am invincible, I am not superwoman and God is totally TOTALLY in control here - and I prefer it this way.

Thank you JC for the reminder! Now all I need to do is master some practical steps, to make sure that I remember that I am 'too blessed to be stressed'....

Any tips?

Mrs O
x